COMICO RIDICULOSO: NEW MUTANTS 98!!!
I know… It’s been a long time and I apologize, but it’s time for a special movie edition of COMICO RIDICULOSO. And let’s be serious, what’s more ridiculous than DEADPOOL? Well, other than the creator Rob Liefeld… So let’s get this party started with everyone’s favorite overpriced, overprinted, over-it-in-general first appearance, NEW MUTANTS 98!
Dropping in February 1991, we finally have the official release of his movie, 25 years after his first comic. This guy hasn’t been in the $1 bins in forever, but I do know that when I was a youngster I would have laughed in your face if you told me this would be worth more than 87, the first appearance of the Leader of the New Mutants, Cable. I also would have laughed if you would have told me that 87 would be worth than Uncanny X-Men 201. The secret love child of Cyclops and Jean Grey’s clone! He must be stable. Well, here they share a cover along with Gideon, the fake Domino, Cannonball, Sunspot, and Boom Boom! So basically the crème de la crème of Marvel. And as I kid around through the ridiculousness of all this mutanty mess, just know that Cable and Deadpool are two of my favorites. And I’ve got a full run of 1-50 of them for sale so hit me in the comments! I kid again! But really. You need a bargain I got you.
So lemme be clear, it’s cliché at this point to just laugh at the way Rob draws some of this stuff, but how the hell am I gonna get through a RIDICULOSO without it?? OK, let’s knock a few out and I will try to be more unique after that… He can’t draw hands or feet and excludes them on purpose, all faces look the same, depth/ratio/spacing mean nothing, he leaves genitalia off all male characters, and there are pouches on every costume for no reason… Aww, who am I kidding? I can’t do this thing without clichés.
So here we go! Finally opening this baby up and who do we have but Gideon! And his hands are floating in space perfectly framing his “nutters”! What are nutters? Well, on the golf course some guys wear shorts that are a little small and pulled up a little high, and when they finish their backswing the seam comes up and gently (or violently?) splits one onto each side. Hence, nutters. And Gideon is shamelessly crouching into nutter position to terrify us all!
Gideon goes into full battle mode with robots he paid for from Shaw Industries! Gideon wins!
He moves on with his day by planning a trip to New Orleans, for some live tunes and river eatins. Because this is exactly the stance I’m in when myself and P. Hood plan trips to New Orleans. Silly Gideon and his nutters. Actually, I can’t quite figure out why Gids is crotch out and the guy calling him “sir” is doing the full on HBK/HHH Degeneration X “Suck It” pose. You would think that the roles would be reversed considering the use of the word “sir.” But who am I to judge relationships I don’t understand?
And… Yeah. My mouth is officially wide open. Because I just found an ad with exactly what I’ve thought my whole life about Mega Man 3, “Anything else you need to know?” Nothing that I didn’t learn that was anything short of life changing while playing this in 1991. If this was a comic it would be on Matt DeVoe’s Day After Wednesday report every week.
But then 2 pages later we’ve got the Silver Surfer game! Starring the Possessor, Reptyl, Mephisto, Firelord, and Emperor! Uh, yeah. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any lamer than Gideon and Cannonball…
On to New York! Cable and Cannonball are playing Robot Jox too! Pacific Rim? Whatever. Cable wearing the anti-nutters? I think those are Butters. Wait, he’s on South Park. In any case this is a pretty cool and original story so far about Mutants play fighting with Sentina… I mean robots.
BTW why isn’t Cannonball a popular Steampunk cosplay costume yet? Those goggles are way ahead of their time. Or wait, are they way after their time? I will never understand Steampunk, but I will never stop watching Terry Gilliam movies. Download Time Bandits. Thank me later.
Cannonball and Cable go blah blah blah about the state of the team, which is apparently in disarray. Cannonball thinks they are family! Cable says they are soldiers! Because war is life! And do all silhouetted characters stand as awkwardly as possible to have conversations?
My favorite thing about Cable isn’t the facial scars we share, his techno-organic body parts, his big guns (literally and posessionally), his time-travel ability, or his penchant for switching from silver Mohawk to balding in each panel; it’s definitely his shoulder hair. This guy is the ultimate Trailer Park Time Traveler. The quintessential Intergalactic Silver Fox. But with all his time spent leading the New Mutants, who would really have the time for a bikini wax and hair plugs?
Flash forward: Library. Why would time travelers need books? Laziness is all I can think of. But Cable’s Cable Sense is tingling! His eye flutters! What could it be in the library that he’s overlooking??
IT’S DEADPOOL BITCHES!!!
And he’s been hired to kill Cable! Scott’s kid never knew they would share a title in the future! Or that they would do movies!
The Merc with a Mouth informs Cable of his impending doom in Italian… and then Steampunkball to the rescue! Deadpool flails in agony! His swords completely disappear!
Cannonfodder is taken down in the next panel, and for the first of what must be a 100,000 times over the next 25 years, Cable tells DP that he talks too damn much! Cable whumps him with an overhand right and somehow follows that with a right cross that kraks him in the jaw! Right hand only combo! This would make Rocky proud. I remember thinking as a kid that every boxing match would be like Rocky, where there was just punch after punch after punch… Boxing has been a let down ever since. And the miracle of this particular fight is that the WHUMP makes a sword reappear! And then the KRAK makes it disappear again! But landing on the ground makes them both holster to his shoulders! It’s a weapons miracle from Robbie Lie!
But we know this won’t hold good old DP down! In typical fashion he’s going for the jugular! Or should I say “junk”ular? Because he narrowly misses Cable’s favorite cable! “THUNK”! That’s the sound it makes? I guess his leg is hollow.
But here comes Rictor, Sunspot, and Boom Boom out of nowhere to narrowly save cable from Deadpool’s imminent destruction! Actually, Rictor goes down quickly as Boom Boom and Sunspot quake in their boots (err, I actually have no idea what’s on their feet, Robbie didn’t pencil ‘em in). An unknown character THUNKs Deadpoolio in the back from somewhere off the page! Not like 4th wall, just outta view… Who do we have?? DOMINO MOTHA***** WHAT’S HAPPENIN’!! She’s like “I HAPPENED.” Lodi dodi, we likes to party… How he falls over previously non-existent debris, and why she decides to tea-bag him in the tailpipe I have no idea. And wait a sec… So the women have bulges, but men have nutters? Ugh.
And just like that, Deadpool is the prisoner! He drops his first funny asking for a prison in the Bahamas! Bwahhhh ha ha… The smart ass has arrived.
And the mutant teammates are so concerned over Cable and his giggly nature with Domino who has saved their asses!
I mean, if you have a robot arm, white bald-hawk hairdo, and glorious greys on your giant muscles, it only makes sense that the Spuds MacKenzie of Superheroes would be the woman of your dreams!
Domino’s inquisitive nature, leads her to ask Cable what he has done with “the chump”? Cable FedEx’d him back to the man who sent him!
Little did they know that the joke was on them… New Mutants 98 outsells 87 by more than double the price, and it’s not even Domino it’s Copycat! Domino doesn’t show up until X-Force 11! Domino can’t even claim to share 98 and act like she had something to do with Deadpool’s success because it wasn’t even her! And it’s quite obvious that the world needs to bow to Mr. Liefeld, pay your respects people!
The moral of the story is:
Always be prepared for battle in a library, never let anyone see your feet, and your first appearance in a comic book can be before or after you were actually invented.
Until next time, stay insane with this exclusive ramble from COMICO RIDICULOSO.