So the end of the year is fast approaching, reminding us that someday, we all will die. Also, where the video game articles been?! Cheese on a moldy psychedelic cracker, I’ve done none! Weird because video games ladies are some of the strongest and tush-smacking characters out there, so I figured, take a chance, hot pants! Plus, anything I do this year won’t matter in a few days! That’s how it works, right? Also this was an incredibly hard to narrow down list, so if you seem someone you think should be on here, I most likely agree with you. These are just examples of some very bad ass ladies.
In no particular order is lady number one: Joanna Dark. I’m talking about old school N64 Joanna, and puh-lease don’t even get me started on that pig in lipstick Perfect Dark Zero. Let’s just pretend it doesn’t exist, shall we? Joanna works for the Carrington Institute, and is a perfect markswoman and spy, hence her code name. She is a curious yet slow to trust woman, and basically is the best of the best. Coming face-to-face with both human and alien (literally, how cute is Elvis?) adversaries, she simply cannot be beat. Martin Hollis, the director and producer of Perfect Dark, has said, “Having just made a game starring a man it seemed logical to create one around a woman,” being that Perfect Dark was released after Golden Eye.
What’s a king without his queen? Nah, more like what’s a Master Chief without his Cortana. Let’s be honest, even though Chief is technically the main focus of Halo, he would not have been able to do much without his trusty AI pal. Her backstory has grown throughout the franchise, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that she is instrumental for the prevention of all life in the damn galaxy from being destroyed. Cloned from the brain of Dr. Halsey, Cortana is extremely intelligent and advanced for an AI. Sometimes snarky, her attitude never distracts from the fact that she is an expert hacker and transmission encoder. Plus, she’s gotten Chief out of more than a few jams.
Have you ever wanted to be an expert in parkour, but aren’t exactly gifted in the agility department? Hey, no big deal! That’s what Faith Connors from Mirror’s Edge is for! If you’ve played this game you know the that the gorgeous cityscape can distract from the dystopian backstory. Faith is an expert “runner”, a new take on a courier whose services are needed by viva la revolutionary types who avoid communicating via traceable means. Faith’s views are deep rooted as her parents were protestors, and her mother was even killed in a “peaceful” protest, obviously gone wrong. Since then she has honed her skills, and even though weapons are available in the game, it’s not centered around them. Why have a gun when you’re a professional new school acrobat who can throw people off roofs?
I wouldn’t feel good about myself if I didn’t include next amazing chick. Star of Metroid and one of the originals: Samus. What attracted me most to this character when I was a wee kitten was the fact that you didn’t know Samus was a female. Putting to rest that women can’t do this because ‘insert sexist BS here’. Without being distracted by gender, you could focus on fantastic jumps, explosions, and awesome weapons. An ex-soldier turned Galatic Bounty hunter, Samus owns missions and wears a mean Power Suit. And that morph ball skills? Outta sight! The team working on Metroid were halfway into completing the game when they thought up the brilliant idea of making the person inside the suit be a woman. Good thing they did because Samus Aran has become a female protagonist staple that isn’t going anywhere! Look out space pirates, you ‘bout to get owned!
The next one is a new girl on the block. Her name is Cait and she’s the rough-and-tumble Irish fighter from Fallout 4. Now, I know Cait isn’t everyone’s cup of whiskey as far as companions go. But from having her by my side nonstop for the past month or so, we’ve grown to know each other quite a bit. At first glance, Cait is a rude and foul-mouthed junkie that gets her kicks by fighting and being mean, and she totally is. However, get to know the character a bit more and we find a woman who's had a very hard life. Sold into slavery by her own parents when she was 18, Cait spent years pickpocketing to buy her freedom. After doing so, she tracks down her parents and brutally murders them for what they did to her. Harsh, but can you really blame her? After that, she finds herself fighting for a living in the Combat Zone, which is not the nicest of places. After traveling with her and gaining a bit of her trust, you see a woman who fought against all odds to survive when she could have given up so many times. She doesn’t take anything lying down, and is brave while still maintaining a huge heart. Also, there is a quest in which you can get her off of drugs, which is great because I personally got tired of showing up to Sanctuary where she walks around casually shooting up. You know, just Fallout things.
“Let us dance!” Ah yes, the sexist jugular muncher in town is here to complete the list! Though D’vorah is my new personal main, you cannot deny the ferocity of this Mortal Kombat staple, Mileena. If you haven’t played this savage genetic experiment at least once, you’re missing out! A mentally unbalanced clone of Kitana, her deranged personality only adds to her fighting skills. Quick on her feet and equipped with brutal strength, she is a force to be reckoned with. Confusingly sexy, because you know, she’s frightening, Mileena often hides a Cheshire-esque mouth full of razor sharp teeth with a dainty pink mask, and has zero problem using those teeth in battle. I mean, a girl’s gotta eat, right?
So there you go, six awesome ladies for an end to a great year. Also, we should all talk about video games more, don’t you think? Video games are a big part of this big old nerd hurricane we’re flailing about in, so let’s appreciate some brilliant woman who make it so.