COMICO RIDICULOSO: AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 316 (WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE AND SIGHTS YOU WILL NEVER UNSEE)
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I review the old stuff, because it’s still awesome! Please know that my jokes are out of passion, and may not even be funny! Fa Fa Fa!
The scrutinous hammer of the RIDICULOSO is going to take an examination of the Amazing Spider-Man 316! All the way from June of 1989. I remember in the early 90s hitting the lone comic shop with back issues in Victorville, CA, after my parents had thanklessly moved me to the middle of nowhere. The back bin of COMICS+ had a lot of the McFarlane run, but as an 8th grader they were beyond my budget (*). I drooled over that shit each time I went in, hoping there would be a few new copies in there cheaper than the last visit. Occasionally I could get one, but never a Venom cover like 316. Of course you couldn't tell me anything back then (or now), and my 36 year old self would have yelled at me “Hey don’t buy a Wizard, put back the Namor 1, and you don’t need 2 copies of the entire poly-bagged X-Tinction agenda crossover so that you can read 1 and keep the other!
They’re actually going to be cheaper in 20 years, not worth more!” Naw, I’m fibbing. I would never tell the young me to put a Wizard back.
(*) If you noticed the asterisk, it’s because I did have the money, once. I got a $40 gift certificate to the place from my fam for my birthday. I spent THE ENTIRE THING on MAGNUS ROBOT FIGHTER 12. First Turok in Valiant. Yeah, the Dinosaur Hunter. A dude fighting ROBOTS and a dude hunting DINOSAURS, simultaneously. Oh well, I still have the same copy. And besides that, it’s not even the first Turok. First Turok is Four Color Comics 596. The cheapest one on eBay is $400! I bet Ben C. doesn’t even freaking have one! Christ, now I need one.
Anyhoo, let me finally try to dive in here. There is a national treasure that graces the cover; Venom! And he is in a book with THE Amazing Spider-Man, and drawn by Todd McFarlane. Two guys that aren’t too shabby themselves. Clearly the national treasure here is Venom right? At least when he’s played by Eddie Brock. The swoll ass Toddy MAC version. Mr. McFarlane, the divine creator of the diabolical, agrochemcial, antitheoretical, bacteriological, biotical, cyclical, fantastical, futurological, hyperbolical, magistratical, parastical, pathological, sodomitical, toxical, zoological, SAVAGELY AWESOME SYMBIOTE. When I say savage I mean it. Dude is a deviously wild ass alien. Always up to all kinds of murderous shit. Constantly f’ing with Spidey and his kin. Look at this SOB grin. That’s why this crazy fool has mofo’s shelling out a grand for #300, his 2nd appearance. Open 299 and check it.
It tells us right on the cover, “VENOM IS BACK!” Beast Mode time! Don’t sue me Marshawn! I would've given you the rock with the bowl on the line I swear! Venom’s bloody fingers drip as if he’s ripped out Spidey’s heart! And look at the stunning pink laser light show going on in the background a midst all that broken wood! Is that what that is BTW? Wood? Green metal? Call it scrap. Debris from the scrap they are in, so that word fits. Scrappin’ in the scrap! Let’s open her up!
F'ing Donovan McNabb’s mother. Sorry, that’s what I say when Campbell’s soup irritates me. Which is more often than you might think. So on the inside cover, this dumb ass ad has some SUPER CHALLENGING puzzles and mazes! Do you see this shit?? Trying to get kids to draw on this collector’s item! Mazes and puzzles!
And just look at #2! Who exactly did they think was reading this? They have pictures of babies and they are weightlifting and doing gymnastics! Then they ask, “Are you a playful kid? One of them doesn’t belong with the group.” Yeah, we get it Campbells. All of them except for this one asshole, he’s just standing there in his rain coat and galoshes.
See, back in 1989 they had to slip in the picture of the “special” kid so that everyone could point and laugh! Not like today where everybody gets playing time. All the kids get 2 innings in left field, even the kid in a slicker and moon boots when everyone else is dressed appropriately to the sport they’re playing. And let’s be real here, these soupy bastards clearly bit the Garbage Pail Kids. For that, DEATH!!! GPK WILL NEVER DIE!
So we finally get this party started in NYC to the tune of the title “DEAD MEAT”! Too easy. Not going there. Well, we’ve got Venom chasing possibly the first appearance of the Violator to try and steal his beer! Speculation public service announcement: this already costs more than Spawn 4, so not going to see much of a bump if this is indeed the prototype for John Leguizamo. But beer thievery? A symbiote after my own heart!
In actuality he’s just securing an underground fallout shelter that had been sealed off at the end of the Cold War as his new hideout. Luckily, they left a set of free weights in here for our boy Eddie to get his lift on. To me though, he just looks like every other former newspaper reporter.
Then before we can continue, we see the dorkteruption. Really? The World of F.I.S.T.? 99 cents per minute to “Hear the ROAR of the FLESH EATER as you lock swords,” followed by “the SIZZLE of the FIREBALL bursting towards you”! Wait, wait, wait. This does not sound like a 900 number approved for teens… Or if the Campbell’s ad on the back of the front cover was any indication, approved for children! And how is that ad confirming that it’s not ok to be special, but then they endorse this? I think I'm reading too much into FISTing. In any case, the silver lining isn't silver, it’s that every month “the most skillful adventurers will win REAL GOLD PIECES!” I can’t make this shit up. Give ‘em a shot at 1-900-321-3478. Or just go to the used bookstore and pick up a Choose Your Own Adventure. I’d rather be a shark than a fister! And don’t cheat!
So we cut to Spidey who’s out with his camera trying to get pictures of himself helping out good guys… Yeah. That’s what he doing. In a trash heap in a junk yard. Because there’s tons of crime and armed police officers in junk yards. Well, a bank robber somehow runs through the junk yard and Spidey SMASH! With TRASH!
The mindless phone call ends, and we cut across town to… BLACK CAT! Todd spared nothing to the imagination here, she’s in full kitty garb, v-cut massive cleavage show and a left pokie. MJ was right pokie, Catness is left. Why the fur covers the right and not the left, I have no clue. Remember, I DIDN’T DRAW IT!
Cat is sauntering up to the window of Petey’s old pad, and finds out that he moved out because the place is empty. Meddler! Didn’t she see the bling bling on MJ’s hand in the previous panels! Home wrecker! Well, what does she find? VENOM already inside looking for Spidey!
The fight is on! She spreads her legs and causes a chandelier to crash down on our favorite symbiote! The power!
But we all know she’s not taking Venom out. Thankfully he doesn’t rip her face off even though he threatens to! He crouches in front of her and seizes her by the ponytail which somehow has grown another 3 feet.
But then this player hater narc’s out Double P and spills the beans on his marriage to MJ! What a jerk. C’mon here V. Ever heard of MAN CODE? Ok, I’ve always been down with Venom, but c’mon. Don’t hate the player, hate the game!
Back to Aunt May’s boarding house… MJ is there all upset. She’s seen Venom. He was swinging through the streets and she spotted him.
UH OH! We, the readers have known Venom was back all along but now Peter knows! And MJ! And Venom already trounced Black Cat! Well, Parker has to get the government on the phone because he knows he's no match for Venom. And as Peter gets transferred from agency to agency, he wraps panty hose around the phone.
Because government agencies would never trace calls, and random phone tree operators in Washington DC would surely recognize the voice of a NEWSPAPER PHOTOGRAPHER. If anyone has a recognizable voice by profession, it’s GOT TO BE a photographer for a newspaper in the 1980s right? Well some things don’t change. The government is no freaking help whatsoever.
So Peter gets the garb on and hits the streets. Which is funny, his women were the ones dressed for the streets… So Spidey looks for Venom all night, and just can’t find him.
He figures the best way must be to go spread eagle and tie himself up with his finger in his own ass! Pete says to himself “Guess I’d better call it a night and head home.” Wait, what? It looks like you’re just getting started their buddy! Did he go from taking his own picture for the Daily Bugle to doing actual cam shows? Wait, it was the 80s and there was no internet, he was just kinky.
But before Spidey can pull out of himself and hit the road, VENOM FINDS HIM! Silly Spider-Man, Venom doesn’t set off your spider-sense. RAKASH!!! Venom smashes him into wood! And creates debris! Here comes the scrap! The scrap in the scrap! A cover that doesn’t lie, it matches the panels! Todd McFarlane I love you! And this is about to go full circle! Spidey has no clue how to beat Venom and…
THEN. IT. HAPPENS. The unthinkable becomes reality, and Venom violently puts his meat right in Spidey’s face. It’s swaffle time and the story name “DEAD MEAT” has come full circle!
We learned after the BCS game in New Orleans a couple of years ago that tea-bagging is illegal! Even for people from Alabama and Louisiana! Sex crime laws don’t apply to Venom though!
And I apologize for the end of this. I’m gonna try to tell you what happened but it makes no damn sense. At the beginning there were 3 pages of Spidey pulling shit down in a junk yard on some dude running through it. But Todd got rushed here (he said he hated drawing the spaghetti webs!) and they tried to tie this fight up in 2 pages.
Spidey recovers from the facial meat tenderizing, and then Venom spills an entire vat of blood and guts on him. Parker does the equivalent of “Ewwwwwwwwwwww” in his best little girl voice and gets PISSSSSED!!!
Then somehow, the vat quadruples in size and Spidey Hulks up and it crashes down on Venom! Peter actually has time to get halfway home in the 1 second it takes Venom to get out! This only makes Venom giggle of course! But poor Peter forgot his knapsack and Venom gets a hold of Petey and MJs new address!
Can you imagine this maniac at dinner? “Venom, please pass the corn.” He could engulf the entire table and all of your guests in his mouth. The slobbering and oozing would make Gallagher cringe. But at least he would kill Gallagher.
The moral of the story is:
Wrap it up nicely, take your time in the beginning and the end, and don’t get FISTed no matter how much gold you are offered.
Until next time, stay insane with this exclusive ramble from COMICO RIDICULOSO.