Comico Ridiculoso: Swamp Thing v1 #7 (WARNING: Strong language and sights you will never unsee)
Welcome to COMICOOOOOO RIDICULOSOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I review the old stuff, because it’s still awesome! And let’s face it, those were simpler days. Minor Threat, amongst others always said that someday we’d look back and laugh! (play later, not now! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boRw7_ORR_Q) Please know that my jokes are out of passion, and may not even be funny! Fa Fa Fa!
Under scrutiny today is Swamp Thing 7, Night of The Bat! Published by DC in December 1973! Written by Len Wein and illustrated by Barry Wrightson! Swamp Thing (Alec Holland) and Batman meet for the first time ever! Batman shows up and has a tough time figuring out what this mute from the swamp is thinking! I’m using exclamation points for everything because that’s how they did it back then! But seriously, even with Batman’s laundry list of fucked up looking adversaries, this giant walking booger has to be high on Brucey’s list of “WTF izzat??” moments. And for fuck’s sake, he’s even called a “thing.”
So when Bats shows up, that glory hog usually gets a piece of the cover. So there he is. Swinging in while Swamp Thing contemplates dropping a deuce down the side of the building. S’Thing seems to be in the act of shrinking down into the squat position, and he has a free left hand to wipe as if he thinks he’s in India where they eat with 1 hand, wipe with the other. Or maybe he’s in the act of standing up because he got caught taking a hot one and they shined that ridiculously bright yellow light on him. That cape of Batman’s really needs less reflective lining. Not so stealthy up there buddy! It’s just missing the Oregon logo and a Nike swoosh. Batman must be swinging in to stop the green slimy serial building pooper.
So how in the fuck did Batman get into full swing position? Look at that rope, he must have come from another building! So I did a little research and apparently at the time of printing, Mumbai World Trade Centre was the tallest set of buildings in India. So judging by S’Things apparent proclivity to defecate in public and wipe with his left hand, and the fact that Bat’s rope has to be attached to another building of equal height, this shit must be going down at the WTC in Mumbai. Right?? All right. Let’s dig in!
Son. Of. A. Bitch. First page. They’re in Gotham. Why in the shit did they show them at the towers in Mumbai on the cover? And how can I get the time in my life that I spent on researching Indian towers in the 70s back? OK. Not as smart as I thought. I have a feeling I will say that again. Oh, you want to know how I figured it out? Check the trash can.
And Thingy needs some clothes, because he’s now in the center of Gotham and he’s butt ass noogie. So, you know, fuck putting on pants he just needs a raincoat. I mean, why cover up your green legs and feet with actual clothes? This choice of clothing actually makes sense I find out later in the comic. Easy access. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, or dresses like a flasher…
As we progress, the cops catch him breaking in, he destroys 3 cop cars, and disappears down an alley. Scene moves to the Wayne Foundation, and we learn that one of Bruce’s business partners is actually an evil double crossing villain! And it’s about that time of night where Batman hits the streets and gets a call from the Commish! But enough about Michael Chiklis…
Fun Fact: Did you guys know that Swampy T. was recently a member of the White Lantern Corps? How in the living shit was this booger freak ever a member of the White Lantern Corps? He wasn’t fucking green enough for the Green Lanterns? I have a feeling John Constantine was behind this one.
John: Pssst… Hal Jordan! You know what would be funny as shit?
John: Let’s tell that giant green plant he needs to be a WHITE lantern. He’s always all fuckin moody and never says shit. Eco-maniac.
John: Nevermind, I’ll tell John Stewart to do it. He’s not a pussy like you.
We cut back to S’Thing and he’s sitting in a bar. Raincoat and hat actually disguise him. Like for real. And luckily he walked into a bar, and sat within earshot of the criminals he was looking for. Nice little coincidence. Then all hell breaks loose! His hat falls off and he gets exposed! Beats everyone up and rolls the fuck out with a piece of paper leading him to the man he’s looking for!
Meanwhile, the bad guy apparently implanted a chip in S’Thing’s dog’s head back in ST #1. So he hits a transmitter, and the dog takes off! Batman spots the dog running down the street matching the description he got from Gordon! Bats and S’Thing are on a collision course! And it starts now!
S’Thing has this proclivity to try to will his thoughts into people’s heads since he can’t speak. And Bats just figures this guy is another Clayface or something. “Reason with him” you say Swampy?? Dude, YOU CAN’T TALK.
So anyway, Batsy Cline and the Vegetable Matter start to get after it a little bit. Misunderstanding between freaks, no biggie. So I figure Swampy T. is gonna grow a tree out of his arm through Bat’s anal pore and up through his throat; game, set, match. That’s what always happens when super-human freakazoids battle humans right?
Oh yeah, this is fucking Batman. Shit don’t go down like that. Ever. Robin loses for real every few years, but Bruce, a frequenter of boys homes and circuses, generally finds an ample replacement. Except Jason Todd. That guy was a tool. Oh, and Damien. Yeah I wanted to put Damien over my knee. Bratty little shit. TD4L was my tagger name in 8th grade. Tim Drake For Life! Just kidding. I just drew dicks everywhere. Sorry, I’m getting tangential.
Except I’m not taking into account this one little known fact about Batman: he has never beaten Swamp Thing. Ever. Which means it didn’t happen here in the first meeting. Swamp Thing just says fuck it, rolls his eyes, and sends Batman face down to the canvas!
OMFG. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. GAME CHANGER. No, not Batman getting knocked out! Did you know you could get a fucking Raquel Welch pillow??? I flipped the page and there she was! I wish I would have known that while I was beating off to Grumpy Old Men when I was 14. Oh shit, I just realized that was Sophia Loren. I feel slightly better. I rarely fuck pillows. But $1.98 is significantly cheaper than my Craigslist addiction. Now you know too much about me. In any case, something as amazing as a Raquel Welch pillow deserves a Googling. So I Googled it. It’s just as amazing as I imagined.
And speaking of the ads… Why are they assuming all comic readers are weaklings who have to spy on women and bang pillows? This page alone lists a Secret Spy Scope for “girl watching,” a home study Karate program, Muscles of Steel pocket gym, Instant Attention-Getters, X-Ray Specs, Weighted Wristlets, and a 7 Foot Monster! It might as well say “You comic dweebs are fucking pathetic! Send us $1.98 and we will change your life!” Fuck you Honor House Products Corp! We are mostly men! Mostly!
In any case, back to the story for something even more appalling. Although, this solves the issue of why he didn’t put pants on. I used to think Alf was a freak for what he did to that poor seal in Alf 48, but look at how bad this dog is getting it!
I mean, we don’t even know if Alf was rocking a donger because there’s no actual site called www.WebMD.com/Melmac to check. But, supposedly Swampy T. can grow something substantial and vegetative whenever, wherever, however. Scary. I’ve also heard that “mutt” is a seriously derogatory term in the dog community. It’s not only physical assault, it’s verbal. Not cool Swamp Thing. Not fucking cool. And I don’t know the legalities of vegetable/animal sexual relations, but NO MEANS NO! This isn’t 50 Shades of Green!
At least the dog got away… And then we have an admission that this has happened before! And c’mon, what did he do to Bats while he was sleeping? SMH.
Might makes right! But, Swampy T, stay the eff outta G Town. Bats has the shit on lock and you running around like a fucking flasher in a rain coat while violating Benji is just all kinds of weird. Weirder than a man dressing like a bat, and almost as weird as a guy praying on teens with dead parents at the circus. Just weirdness everywhere. But grow some green vocal chords and fucking learn to talk. You can turn into any plant life you want, why don’t you morph into Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors?? That bitch could sing! I do have to give credit where credit is due, your uppercut made the Dark Knight say good night! And what happened after that doesn’t really matter. Except the Raquel Welch pillow. That will always matter.
Swamp Thing 1 – Batman 0
I don’t believe I actually got to a moral. Hopefully I got you to laugh. Until next time… This has been a CBSI exclusive ramble from COMICO RIDICULOSO.